Finding pace...

Sitting back and reflecting, I am struck at how positively rushed our life feels right now. I have to say this pace is very unsettling. Our transitions (Nate to school and mine to work) have felt hard to say the least. We all miss those summer days when we had no idea of the time or day. We were spontaneous and just living in the moment, letting Nate be our guide. Now it feels like we carry the weight of some superimposed granite clock in our days, counting minutes, following calendars, and attempting to check things off an endless to-do list. I just have to note that as I write this I am hearing "the ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah" in my head (lack of sleep? or my delirium from our crazed week?) . And even though I know we know that we are not the only ones who feel this way, I am still finding myself feeling so resentful and angry that this is the way we are living our life. Where's the peace in this pace? (yea say that ten times!).

And then there's Nate, a guy who definitely moves at his own pace. Eric and I have felt so conflicted about these changes in our lives. Should I have stayed home longer with Nate? Although we know there are many benefits to Nate starting preschool/day care, we also wonder if he would be better at home a little longer. Unless Nate has a corner to himself, preschool is a pretty hostile environment for our Bean. In his class of 9 children, Nate is the only one who isn't mobile at all. Not only is he having to get used to all the sounds that other little ones are making (talking, crying to screaming), he also has limited ways to defend himself when other kids come into his space and touch him. Nate can't crawl or walk away, he can cry and that's about it. His mobility issues also impact his play. He needs to get "placed" in play situations when other kiddos can move in and out of play choices. I know there are many benefits to preschool too- don't get me wrong. I just wonder if Nate would get more out of preschool if he were mobile. I have to tell you if there's one thing we've learned from other families about Down syndrome, it is that Down syndrome children learn to do all the same things that other kids do, but just at their own pace.

So I feel conflicted. Is it better to let Nate be the guide? Or is it better to have him in preschool, a place which may be a more challenging environment for him?