Becoming a Momma....

took a very long time for me. I remember when Eric and I started trying to get pregnant. We were so sure that first night of unprotected sex would surely knock me up. We laugh about it now.

It's hard to describe the pain of infertility to those who haven't experienced it. I felt broke...incapable...and end...not enough...and so very alone. I was an outsider to a club I wanted so desperately to be a part of. So many nights I would put my hand to my belly trying to will life out of it. It felt so cruel and unfair to me. I felt like a misfit. Each month I didn't get pregnant I felt myself giving in more to the anger and hopelessness. I secretly cursed my pregnant friends. Although I knew it wasn't their faults (that they had what I wanted), I hated and envied them anyway.And I just couldn't (or wouldn't) accept being childless.....

Four years later, after 8 IUIs, an IVF and subsequent miscarriage, and a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer), I became pregnant with Nate. Although I had taken about 8 pregnancies tests (at least!) I got the official HCG blood test results the day before Thanksgiving. Yes, how perfect is that?

Becoming a momma...and more specifically becoming Nate's momma has been a journey into love.

I still remember the first time Nate really saw me (and not just my boobs!). We were out apple picking and Nate was in the baby bjourn. Eric likes to characterize this time as the beginning of "momma worshipping." That look was full of anticipation...curiosity and vulnerability (Or maybe it was me who felt vulnerable with those eyes locking into mine...)


Over the last two years, we have learned how to communicate with the most subtle of looks or touches....I know all of the ridiculous faces he makes by heart...I know what will make him laugh and that tears won't last as long if I sing My Favorite Things (yes, this is one of Nate's most favorite songs). I feel phantom touches - little fingers pinching my neck - or hands gliding up and down my arm - when we're apart. I know him (as he knows me)...

This love we share is intimate, full of trust, knowing and belonging....

for both of us.