Before Nate

It's hard to reflect back to the person I was before Nate. The love I have for him is so overwhelming and scares me at times. I sometimes find myself praying out loud when I am driving -Please please keep Nate safe. Please big truck just stay in your lane...Don't pass me. Just leave Nate and I alone. Inevitably the prayer always ends with -Just please don't ever take him from us.

I can't imagine my life without him.

I don't think I understood selflessness before Nate. God I would do anything for my boy.I sometimes daydream about these awful scenarios in which Nate is in danger. These dreams are so terrible that I don't even want to say them aloud. You probably have had these kinds of dreams before too. I would do anything for Nate. I would give him anything I had.

I am also not sure I really saw (I mean really took the time to notice) people with disabilities like I do now. When I see children or adults with special needs I look for something now...Some kind of gesture or expression that tells me about who they are....what their essence is. Who are you? What is important to you? I am not afraid of what makes you different. What is your story?

I also don't think I really understood what it meant to be present in my life. Boy my days would fly by! Well ...they did before Nate arrived. Now I move from one moment to the next with Nate, never quite knowing where we'll end up. Today I decided to pack up Bean and head into Brattleboro after some snuggle time in bed today didn't result in Nate taking a nap. We ended up walking around (with him in the Ergo carrier) until almost 7 o'clock - This was way past Nate's dinner and bath time. Yes, bad Mommy. BUT we had such a lovey time together. Nate did what I call "mommy worshiping." He leaned his head back and just watched my every move..my every expression. We made funny sounds back and forth to one another. I did my "Oh Boy" surprised look over and over again just so that I could just hear his little grunt of a laugh.

Nate just being Nate is truly the most beautiful expression of what it means to live in the present.

Thank you my Bean for all you have already taught me. I am so glad you're here.