Nate's presence....

When I was about 11 weeks pregnant with Nate, I lost control of my car on a major highway. It was around 5 o'clock on a cold January afternoon. I had stayed at work late and was driving home completely exhausted. I remember driving in the right hand lane thinking there was a car approaching me to the left. I quickly jerked the car to the right so much so that I lost control of the car. I overcompensated for this and pulled the car left until I spun around crashing into the guard rail in the passing lane. It all happened so fast. Then there was silence. My heart raced and I took a huge gasp of air. I was alive. Somehow in those few moments there was a break in traffic. It still doesn't seem possible. My mind was already working at double speed. Again and again I played it over in my mind. Surely I was dead. I had to be - right? I was convinced that if I were alive I must have killed our unborn baby. There's no way we could both live through the accident. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother. How would Eric forgive me?

The next few seconds were a blur to me. I continued to try and reconcile how and why I was still alive. I shouldn't have been. What about my baby? As the lights from the increasing traffic got brighter I realized that I needed to get out of the car - fast. Trucks and cars were speeding by to the point where I could feel the ground shudder beneath my feet. A family had pulled up behind me and put on their hazard lights. A man (a dad I soon realized) jumped out of the car and asked if I was okay. I was breathing so hard I could barely get a word out. He told me that he would call 911. After he made the call, he headed back to his car to leave. At that point I did something so selfish that I still regret today. I asked the man to stay. I told him I was pregnant and completely terrified. It was like it finally clicked that I was alive. I had to protect my baby. The man quickly herded his wife and two kids out of the car and had them stand by me off in the median until the police came. They could have been killed. It all was terribly unsafe.

The police arrived within 5 minutes or so - Thank goodness. My car was turned in the complete opposite direction, so all traffic on the highway had to be stopped. The man and his family started heading back to their car. I hugged the man and cried. "Thank you for not leaving me," I said to him, "Thank you so much." That was the last I saw of the man and his family. I don't know how I would have gotten through any of it without him.

This event continues to live in me today. I can still recall that split second when I lost control of the car. My heart starts racing and I feel this raw, burning feeling in my gut. It is more than amazing that I survived. A split second before or after that moment and I would have been dead and my Nate-Bean would have just been a dream.

After the accident, Nate's presence in my body and heart became more pronounced. We had survived the accident together. I also felt like in some strange way, it was the intent of his little spirit that kept us both alive. He was supposed to be...

I am not 100% why I have been thinking about the accident.....Perhaps it is all the traveling we've been doing or my father dying so unexpectedly. I do have to say that it strikes me how I was in a situation (car spinning out of control on the highway) in which I should have died (or at least been hurt) and my dad did something that we all do most nights -- he simply fell asleep and yet he died. Based on our experiences we develop some rational about how things work. Neither of these events make sense to me. What or who determines how our lives will unfold or end?

One thing I do know, is that Nate's presence in my life then and now is incredibly strong and healing. Even though it has been difficult understanding my dad's death, I know it would be so much harder if I didn't have Nate in my life. He is determined, willful, curious, engaging, and just so alive.

He is our sweet and very special Bean.

Now for some pictures.......

Heading down to Baltimore...

Nate aspirating Daddy's nose...

Nate with his Grandma-ma on Christmas...

Cuddled up to Uncle David...

My sweet family......